Does one thing affect the other?

A couple of days ago, some friends and I were discussing the situation when something bad happens it colours your perception to the whole experience, including totally other unrelated events that happen just before or after the bad experience.

Have I lost you? ;-)

It could be something more direct like Mummy C never wanting to eat the Caesar salad at Coffee Bean anymore after one meal gave you food poisoning. Same thing happened to me with Boston Creams L my favourite dunkin donut…..

But sometimes it can be totally unrelated, for example Miss Hoity Toity’s (hehehe sorry, she’s one of the sweetest & down to earth girls I know but we like teasing her with the name) doesn’t like massages anymore, because once after going for a massage she got sick afterwards. Totally unrelated but it coloured her perception.

It happens to me too, from something trivial like hating a particular perfume because I didn’t like the guy (weird right?) but there is one thing that has affected me deeply until now…..

Back in my university days (God that aeeeooonnnsss ago) I was involved in a project called Projek Kalsom under the auspices of UKEC. It was a 5 day camp held for Form 4 underprivileged children. It was organised and conducted entirely by a bunch of university students who shared the same passion and drive to make a difference in this world (or rather we were still pretty naïve back then ;-)

I loved it! My first Projek Kalsom was in Dungun, Terengganu. It was also a week of self-revelation for me, to realise just how lucky I am in this world and how many things I take for granted. The kids were wonderful and they really had an effect on me. I cried buckets when it was time to leave. The friendships I’ve made during the camp have also endured, some of us are still friends until today almost 10 years on.

I loved it so much, I pledged to continue on with it and became a member of the organising committee for the following Projek Kalsom. It was in Melaka and great fun!

The following year, I decided to join Projek Kalsom again this time in Johor Bharu. I had just recently graduated from university and was basically bumming around until I start my CLP classes (Certificate Legal Practice – the professional qualification to enable me to practice as an advocate and solicitor in Malaysia) (err just in case anyone was wondering, I’m no longer a lawyer).

Anyway, it was also great fun, met up with my old friends. Met a wonderful bunch of kids and got along great with them.

On our last night a group of us decided to hang out on the school grounds (the benefits of being the facilitator the “rules” don’t apply to you hehehe), we ended up chit chatting until 6 am in the morning!

I returned to my room to find several missed calls from my phone as well as a voice mail from my mother. Basically she said my grandmother suffered a stroke and is in the hospital.

I was stunned, and I didn’t know what to think. I was scared, worried, depressed… a million of emotions were going through me at once.
I dearly loved my grandmother, she was almost like a mother to me. I had lived with my grandparents when I was a child for a while (when my parents were studying in US), and I was sent to my grandparents house every day while my parents were at work. As we grew older, I started spending every weekends at their house. I’d like to think they also had played a pivotal role in my upbringing (e.g. when I was a child if I did something wrong, not only would I get an earful from my parents but also my grandparents, uncles and aunts who all felt they were also the ones who helped raised – sometimes not fun I tell you! hehehe)

My grandmother used to say I was her favourite grandchild because I was the one who “came back” i.e. I genuinely loved going to their house and spending time with them. My parents, although I have no doubt of their love for me, are not the most affectionate people in the world. My grandparents on the other hand were complete opposites, my grandmother was especially loving and affectionate.

And I felt like I was far away, we were only supposed to leave at 2pm that day (we had taken a bus down) and the trip was supposed to take about 4-5 hours.
I got through the day, said goodbye to my “adik-adiks” but it was mainly a blur, got through the bus ride home. My father was waiting for me, the first thing he said to me was “things don’t look good”.

We went straight to the hospital, and by the time I arrived she had fallen into a coma. They said she was lucid and coherent after her stroke, able to hold conversations but fell into a coma during the day. I must have cried the whole night, I just couldn’t stop. The following week she remained in a coma the whole entire week, I was powerless to do anything except be by her side reciting the doas or simply having a conversation with her. My aunt comforted me saying, she probably can hear you it doesn’t hurt to try. One night at 4 am we got a call from my uncle, who told us to come to the hospital straight away. He didn’t need to say it, but we knew she had passed on without ever regaining consciousness.

I never got to say goodbye, and the one thing that kept running through my mind was that if I wasn’t at Johor Bharu doing the Projek Kalsom I would have been able to say goodbye. And I’ve felt guilty ever since, I should have been there with her. Me, her favourite grandchild, I should have been there…. And I felt cheated because I never got to say goodbye to my grandmother once last time. I never got to say goodbye…….

I know I know, one thing had nothing to do with the other. And it wasn’t anyone’s fault, not me, not the Projek Kalsom, nothing. Sudah ditakdirkan. But that’s my head making those rational statements, my heart says an entirely different thing. There were a thousand if only’s going through my mind.

And I felt such an unreasonable resentment for going to Johor Bharu, and the Projek by association. Again, I know it’s completely idiotic but I am only human.

Fast forward a couple of years, some of the same people who organised the original Projek Kalsom organised a new type of Project called Projek Tekad. As everyone now is older and is working, they re-jigged the concept and it is now down over a weekend instead of a 5 day period. But the concept and even some of the modules was the same. My friends from the original Projek Kalsom had invited me to join in, I was even part of the committee for the first project. When I went, it was fun and admittedly I had a great time but I had the same nagging feelings of resentment inside. It tried to suppress it but it was there, and the slightly faded away feelings of losing my grandmother came flooding back. Again, my head is saying it’s not the same thing and it was so silly to feel this way but my heart was undergoing an entirely different thing. I got through the project, but I felt disturbed. I felt out of sorts, and slightly depressed……

It was weird, and I didn’t think I was going to be affected by it after all these years. And AGAIN it doesn’t make sense, it’s a completely different thing. And one thing had nothing to do with the other. But being there brought back memories. Memories that I hate having being drudged up.

So after that, I’ve stopped going. I never signed up for the subsequent projects although asked by some friends (although there has been only one more so far with more in the pipeline). I felt I really didn’t feel like going through the emotions again……

But I guess sometime, no matter how hard you try to rationalise things sometimes your heart doesn’t listen. And no matter how silly the reason might be, your heart feels what it wants to feel…. So in this case I can’t go for Projek Tekad (or probably any other similar ventures) because it brings back depressing memories of not being able to say goodbye and not being there for her……

America's Next Top Model 4

America’s Next Top Model

I must confess I already know the winner of season 4 of the America’s Next Top Model. The 5th cycle has just recently ended in the US in fact. Anyone who wants to know all the details can log on to www.realitynewsonline.com or go to the UPN website at http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model4/.




Nevertheless, I’m VERY excited about watching season 4. It’s one thing to read about it but another to actually watch it. I’ve told Javard I might do a weekly review of ANTM so here goes! I’ll start off my series of articles (err I hope) with a review of each girl (in alphabetical order). Here goes!

Brandy
Brandy is a 20-year-old cosmetology student from Houston, TX. She reads Seventeen magazine, her favorite movie is The Lord of the Rings trilogy and her favorite TV show is The Parkers.

Her attitude will be a major problem in the show, how can you tell a photographer that you are in a bad mood because they kept you waiting? I think she probably has the misconception that a lot of people have about models leading glamorous and easy lives (chewah like la I know hahaha but you know you pick up a few things while watching TV, it aint easy!). Plus the whole big hoo haa about her hair. I mean I know all girls LOVE getting a makeover, and would understand how it is to feel left out. But she should also have seen it in a positive manner (like Julie in ANTM 3), that she looks good enough already that Tyra et all thought they didn’t have to do anything else to improve on her. But alas that wasn’t how she felt, and got her hair all chopped off. Which to me removed the unique part about her. Let’s see how it all plays out……

Brita
Brita hails from La Canada, CA. She’s 25, and an avid listener of Howard Stern. Her favorite foods include sushi and cheese. Her favourite movie is Pretty Woman.

I loved her! I thought she was gorgeous. But the judges were right, her photographs were horrible. But I also felt the pose was rather uncomfortable for her, Why couldn’t they ask her to pose differently? Perhaps she could have done better. I guess I’m just still sore about her elimination. Plus it was quite sad when she said since she’s 25 this is probably her last chance.

Speaking of her age, I didn’t agree with what the judges said about her being too old. If you thought she was too old, why pick her in the first place? And then use it as (one of) a reason to eliminate her? It was the same thing when they picked plus sized women, don’t get me wrong but I’m all for equality. But I didn’t agree that they would pick a plus-sized woman but from the way the show went, these girls would never get the chance to win. Her size would always be an issue. Again, then why pick her in the first place? You’re giving someone false hope so to speak. Anyway, I digress.

Brittany
Brittany comes from Tallahassee, FL and is 22-years-old. Her favourite movie is Old School and Zoolander (points to wicked sense of humour). And her favourite TV show is Will & Grace. Brittany is an elementary school instructional aide.

She’s LOUD! But I kind of liked her a lot. She brings a certain vivaciousness to the show, like everyone instantly perks up when she’s around. And I would really like to see her and Janice in a shouting match! And see who wins haha….. She might go far, the only problem was she would have the tendency to do overly sexy bordering on vulgar poses. They want America’s Next Top Model, not the next Playmate of the Year.

Christina
Christina like Brittany also hails from Talahassee, FL. Christina is 24 and a fashion marketing student. She loves to watch Sex and the City and her favorite food is anything Italian. Her favourite movie is Notting Hill.

Hehe anyone else feel like Christina looks like she’s in shock ALL THE TIME? Her eyes are huge, and it borders on scary ;-) But nevertheless, she had an amazing photograph. But I don’t see her lasting very long.

Kahlen
21 and from Broken Arrow, OK. She watches The O.C., reads Rolling Stone and her favorite movie is Waiting for Guffman.

She’s cute! Anyone else think she looks like the Boomkat lead singer, Taryn Manning? And like Tyra and the gang, I did not believe her when she said she’s never seen the show. But I think she can go far, she’s got that edgy look they seem to love.

Keenyah
Keenyah is from Compton, CA, and is 19. Toy Story is her favorite movie, Vogue is her favorite magazine, and when she’s in the mood for the munchies, chili cheese fries hit the spot.

Another chick with a slight attitude problem, although nowhere near Brandy. She had a problem with her haircut, which I thought turned out pretty well until she decided to put the oil in! But she is pretty, and seems to photograph well.

Lluvy
She’s 21 and hails from Modesto, CA. Her favourite TV show is the Newlyweds [sob sob Jessica and Nick :-(] and her favourite movie is The Sweetest Thing. She’s a janitor.

Hehe cosmic girl said this chick was ugly. I must admit her photograph does not do her justice, she looks better in the show. She has that pixie type of face. However, her photograph did not come out well. And the judges comments about her having one look is a bit worrying. That was the reason Kelle was booted off in season 3.

Michelle
A native of Terre Haute, IN, Michelle is only 19-years-old. She’s a wrestler! She apparently love the Iron Chef! Hehehe and lists Trainspotting as her favourite movie ….

I actually did not like her, I’m sorry to me she looked a bit like a man. Her physique I mean. And to me there were other prettier girls, but the judges chose her so maybe there’s something there I did not see. But again I don’t see her lasting very long.

Naima
Naima is a 20-year-old waitress form Detroit, MI. Another sushi eater, Naima enjoys reading Vogue and her favorite TV show is Law & Order.

oh oh oh she's a Trekkie! I love her already hehehe, anyone thought she looked like Jennifer Lopez when they showed her picture with her long hair? She’s very unique, and would be a welcome addition to the group. Plus she seems sweet so that’s a plus point. She’s a dancer, this might pose a problem in her shoots though. As what happened to Yaya last season, where the judges kept saying she was too dancer-like. But if she uses her dance training as an inspiration it might help her.

Noelle
She’s 20, a realtors assistant and comes to us from Reno, NV. Noelle is crazy over that 70s show and her favourite movie is Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

She’s cute and her story about having a child after being diagnosed with endiometris was inspiring. But I also don’t see her lasting very long.

Rebecca
Rebecca is a former flight attendant that comes to us from Minneapolis, MN. She’s 22, and her favorite magazine is US Weekly.

She reminds me of the girls who acts in Married to the Kelly’s. I’m not sure which one as I don’t actually watch the show but from what I see in the ads. She is very cute in a Reese Witherspoon kind of way. She would be perfect in Hollywood, the modelling world I’m not so sure. But having the hair extensions has vamped up her look a bit so who knows? ;-)

Sarah
22-year-old Sarah comes from Baltimore, MD. She is a waitress. Her favourite TV show is the Simpsons and her favourite movie is the Princess Bride.

Her peter pan haircut was very cute, it’s almost similar to what they did for Nicole last season. Let’s hope the same fate does not befall her as it did Nicole (being labelled as dull and forgettable). She apparently has a tattoo on her arm (err I don’t know what was my point with that hehehe)

Tatiana
Tatiana is from Maui, HI. She’s 18-years-old, lists Braveheart as her favorite movie and “programs on the History channel” as her favorite TV show. She is also a waitress.

She is pretty, but I agreed with the judges her face in her photographs looks rather scrunched up. Like all her features are close together.

Tiffany
A mother, Tiffany is 22 and comes from Miami, FL. Her favourite show is actually Spongebob Squarepants! Ok I’ve heard that sort of a cult favourite. And has a hankering for Popeye’s Spicy Wings.

Those who followed ANTM 3 (but it has been repeated several times throughout the course of the audition show) Tiffany was a preliminary contestant in season 3 but was eliminated before they got down to the final 14. And her famous water throwing incident at another patron at the place they girls went to. Honestly I didn’t think she was pretty, not then and not now. I don’t know whether her sob story (and it is rather sad) somehow influenced the judges decision in picking her.